The Last Laugh

It is always hard to lose a Mom. It is also hard to watch her as day by day she becomes weaker and can no longer fight. It is hard to watch the monitors in the ICU room as your Mom's blood pressure drops hour by hour and is close to flat lining and then mercifully, the ICU staff shuts it off. It is hard to watch the face of your Mom as it changes from one full of health to the pastiness of illness and it doesn't get any better. It’s hard to listen to the doctor while he is holding back his own tears that there is no longer anything he can do for Mom.

It is hard to watch your younger sister, who has cared for Mom for almost 10 years burst into inconsolable tears as Mom's fight is long last over.

It is hard to do these things but it is much easier when you and your brothers and sisters are gathered together and surround Mom's bed. You hold hands with the brother or sister that you might have had arguments with but you grasp that hand tightly because you know each needs the strength of the other.

Each of us says goodbye to her. Each reassures her that we will take care of the youngest and each other.

We talk to one another and make apologies to one another and Mom can hear us. She tries to open her eyes. We talk about growing up and she can her us. We start sharing some of the funnier stories and we laugh quietly at first. Then my oldest sister tells a funny one and we burst out laughing. We hear Mom and it is her last breath and laugh.

And that is the thing I will always remember the most about Mom: her gift of laughter and humor. It wasn’t easy growing up. There were 5 of us and she and Dad managed to raise us on his military salary. Mom would get part-time jobs when times were tougher. But we had food, clothes, shelter, and love.

When we lived in Jackson, I remember in 1969 when Hurricane Camille was coming through. She was a West Virginal girl and had never experienced anything like it. Dad had been transferred to the Seabee base in Gulfport a few weeks before. She made us eat breakfast under the table that morning. I remember it being fun and an adventure, especially when the oak tree began losing branches.

She used to make the most wonderful dresses for us girls but she for ever had to repair mine. I exasperated her because I was a tom boy and tore those dresses climbing fences and trees. There are so many other memories. I remember one time when she went fishing. She had two poles lying on the pier. Before she could grab it, one pole was dragged into the water by a fish. She grabbed the other one, reeled it in and then recast it. After about 4 or 5 times of reeling and recasting, she actually hooked onto the other pole in the water and managed to lift it back up to the pier. She then reeled it in and wouldn’t you know it, the fish was still on.

Her greatest gift to each of us was to allow us to be who we were meant to be. She encouraged us in our endeavors and was pride of us.

But her greatest gift was the gift of laughter. My childhood was woven with the sounds of our laughter. And so it was fitting that her last breath would be a laugh and in her passing, she was still laughing with us.

Mazel Tov Angie and Steve!

My nephew was married this weekend. Angie gave me the honor of taking their wedding photos. Both of them were so nervous before the ceremony. Her is one I took of Angie going toward her future:

Too Much!

My living room is beginning to look very lovely. About 2 weeks ago, inspired by the great paint job my son did with the bathroom, I decided the living room needed to be painted as well. My son, his girlfriend, and I started painting it 5 days ago. Because of space limitations, only wall can be painted at a time. Now, it's time for the trim.

All this while having the damage from Hurricane Katrina repaired is leaving me stressed. Yesterday, I realized it is only 2 weeks to Passover! I haven't even begun to clean the house for hametz!!!

Jeremy's girlfriend has been an almost perfect house guest. She is very nice and I'm glad to have gotten to know her better. She leaves this Sunday.

I've been having to deal with other things as well. It is nice to be busy but I think there's just been too much to deal with lately.

My son said he and Sarah will finish the trim on two walls today! So perhaps, I can move my furniture back in place and rehang all the pictures.

Jeremy has been doing a lot around the house. He is stepping up. His girlfriend has been helping as well. I keep asking her if she minds. She says she has been enjoying the painting and helping me pick out material. She isn't able to decorate her home because she and her family live in an apartment and likes the opportunity to paint and decorate.

I'll be sad when she leaves on Sunday. My son will miss her even more.

Interesting Thanksgiving

First the good news, I will be having a kosher turkey for Thanksgiving! Last year, it was all veggies.

I have a deep secret. In my family, I'm the most liberal. At family gatherings, I've learned to avoid discussing religion since I'm also the only Jew. Politics is another subject I've learned to be hesitant in family discussions. But my secret is out. I told my Mom and youngest sister I voted for Obama.

After my son and I enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner, I'll be heading up to my sister Debbie's home, We always have birthdays and other celebrations at her house. Based on some of the conversations I've had with Mom and my sister Denise, I expect to have a very interesting time.

Updates

It will be next Wednesday before the tests my son had last week can be discussed with the doctor. I'm hoping this means nothing serious was found.

On the ballot controversy, Governor Barbour after the Mississippi Supreme Court ruling, ordered the Musgrove-Wicker Senate race to be placed at the top where it belongs with the presidential and other Senate race.

Waiting to Exhale

Most say that worrying about things is not so good. I've been doing a lot of worrying the last 3 weeks or so. First is was Hurricane Gustav and then Hurricane Ike. The National Hurricane Center has been a very good job of predicating the landfalls of hurricanes. Still, if there's any system in the Gulf of Mexico, I'm nervous until it does.

Now comes this past Monday. My son goes to the doctor for what I thought would be just a routine visit. He calls me at work and tells me he has to have all sorts of tests done. He says the doctor thinks there may be something wrong with his liver. I leave work so I can go with him to have the tests done. Tomorrow or Monday, we should know something.

Friday Wasn't the Best Day

I've been having problems with a tooth for over a month. I decided Friday to call the dentist about it. The pain has now reached the point that I'm having trouble eating. After being on hold for over 30 minutes, I decided Fridays aren't the best days to try to schedule a dentist appointment. I will make one tomorrow.

Chazek, Chazek!

When I first read the words below, I experienced some anger:

My friends, the basic rule is to be firm and strong. Use all your strength to remain persistent. Pay no attention at all to discouraging thoughts. Take it one day at a time, and just make it through _this_ day. You can make through one day, right? I mean, there is food today and maybe enough money for today, you can have peace in your house for a day or handle that difficult job just for a day.

If you were to see the impact of the small effort you make here in this world, the light years in distance of that impact in the worlds above, it would make you very happy. And perhaps, by thinking about this, you can be happy. You should make a great effort to always be happy, because depression does tremendous damage. It is a very grave sin to be depressed. Depression comes from the other side and Hashem hates it. IT IS A SIGN OF TOTAL DISBELIEF IN HASHEM!

Reb Nati's words about depression are the ones I was angry at. For years, I've suffered from clinical depression and had to take medication. It got me through the day to day things but I didn't like taking the medicine. There were two things that kept me from taking my life during those long and dark years: My son would be an orphan and HaShem gave me this precious life!

Those two things kept me alive. Remarkably, since I began listening to my neshama and understanding the path HaShem wants me to follow, I haven't had to use any medication in over 2 1/2 years. The depression seems to have lifted. I disagree with Reb Nati that depression is a sign of total disbelief in HaShem. Through those darkest days when the thoughts running through my head were ones of how to most efficiently end my life, HaShem guided me to His many wonders. My son's face, hugs, a stranger's smile, the ocean, a bird flying through the air: All told me life was worth living and so He gave me chazek.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Reb Nati is very correct in one thing, by striving to be happy, the brain's balance can be restored. It is the simple things which bring joy. It is a continuing wonder at HaShem's creation which lifted and sheltered me. Depression can make one feel a sense of isolation which seems impenetrable. It is a vast, grey wall and it can be broken down with each face of a loved one, each shared joke, each hug, and each new sight of wonder. It can be broken down by listening, really listening to what HaShem is telling you.

Maybe for some depression is a sign of disbelief in HaShem. For me, it was a sign I was approaching Him in the wrong way.

Running Through My Mind

For the past several years, a curious thing has been happening. A sing will get stuck in replay in my mind. It doesn't last for a day. Sometimes, like in the case of V'shamru, it will be last for weeks. Sometimes it is Jerusalem of Gold, my boss really appreciated when I started singing it aloud! Sometimes it is Alienu. At times, it is various zemirot.

This week, it is different nigguns by Carlebach and others. I think I choose my Hebrew name well. Songs are always just a thought away.

Cooking With Matzo

I over did it on buying matzo for Pesach. And I have to say this years matzo has been the best. It may be the fact it was from Jerusalem. I would highly recommend Yehuda Matzos. As stated, I bought plenty to last through the eight days of Pesach. I got the idea for the following from Aish.com:

I started by making my own tomato sauce. It makes enough for 6 matzo pizzas.

1 can tomato paste
Garlic powder
Basil
Oregano
Pepper
Paprika

To the tomato paste, using the can it came in, add two cans of water slowly. Stir each time water is added. When finished, the tomato sauce should have a thicker consistency than spaghetti sauce. Add herbs and spices to taste.

For the first matzo pizzas I made(2), I used the following:

Coarsely chopped onions
Salami
Olives

Preheat oven to 375. Spread the tomato sauce on the matzos. Next, add the other ingredients. Bake for 15-20 minutes. Eat and enjoy.

The second set I made are my favorite. The following ingredients were used:

1 can spinach, drained
Sharp cheddar cheese, shredded

Place the tomato sauce on the matzos. Next, add the spinach(make sure it is well-drained). Cover with the cheese. Bake at 375.

I'm taking two of the spinach/cheese ones for lunch today. They are good!

Turning Point

It is done! I had taken today off to finish the kitchen for Pesach. But circumstances have me traveling to Metarie to pick up the last of my Pesach items. Metarie is a suburb of New Orleans and has Kosher Cajun. They were going to deliver but I wanted to pick up a few more items I hadn't ordered.

Cleaning the stove and oven is always a major task. I had finished the cabinets, the refrigerator, etc on previous days, but I always wait until the last possible moment to do the stove and oven. It is done! I have one final check to do before I leave this morning. Everything is ready!!

To celebrate, I want to share this video I saw over at Seraphic Secret. Joy, joy, joy:

The Pesach Edition

Esser Agaroth is hosting Haveil Havalim - 162: The Pesach Edition.

This Pesach is very special to me. Last year, I cleaned my home and turned my kitchen for Pesach. I even had the second Seder(we had a community first Seder). The burden seemed incredible at the time. This year, the work is no less than last year. I even have the extra work of preparing my home for an out of town guest. But the work seems so much lighter and easier this year.

Maybe it is because I knew what to expect this year. But I don't think that is the reason. This is my first Pesach since my conversion mikvah on 17th of Sivan in 5767.

Last year, at this time, I was a bit resentful of all that needed to be done. I was also having doubts about my upcoming conversion. I mean, come on, I had to clear my cabinets of corn, rice, and other products?

Even before Pesach last year, I was having doubts about my decision to convert. One Shabbat I decided I wouldn't light the candles, I wouldn't say Kiddush, I wouldn't say hamotzi and I would treat Shabbat as any other day. I found myself bereft. I felt I had robbed myself of something special and fundamental to my being.

I had denied myself as Heschel beautifully states in The Sabbath:

When all the work is brought to a standstill, the candles are lit. Just as creation began with the word, "Let there be light!" so does the celebration of creation begin with the kindling of lights. It is the woman who ushers in the joy and sets up the most exquisite symbol, light, to dominate the atmosphere of the home.

And the world becomes a place of rest. An hour arrives like a guide, and raises our minds above accustomed thoughts. People assemble to welcome the wonder of the seventh day, while the Sabbath sends out its presence over the fields, into our homes, into our hearts. It is a moment of resurrection of the dormant spirit in our souls.

At this time last year, I was doubtful. As the time came closer to my conversion, relationships between family and friends changed. Some family members were resentful and others joyful. Friends generally supportive. Most asked questions. One family member would not ask questions. There are still times when this family member will walk out of a room if I am present.

I cannot erase the pain this family member feels. I can only hope that time will heal it. It does no good to try to discuss it. This family member will not discuss it under any circumstance. When the issue came up, my rabbi advised to let time take its course. It will be resolved when the family member is ready.

This Pesach, I feel free. Doubts are gone. The peace of Shabbat lingers for days after. The yoke of the mitzvot is light.

Spring Senryu

Yes folks, it is that time of year for me: Allergy season!!!

Senryu for Oak Pollen

Beautiful green
Spring sneezes
Summer shade

Critters

My cats are very sweet. I have two that stay outside most of the time and one that stays in most of the time. The two outside cats like to surprise me with "gifts". Usually the "gifts" consist of birds. I give them a very stern lecture when I see the birds.

One time, they left a rabbit. I was so flabbergasted by that one; I couldn't find the words to lecture them.

When they leave field mice, I tell them good job! Same for when they leave the voles that have been tearing up my yard.

This morning, they left something very annoying and still alive: a snake! I checked the cats to make sure they were okay and they were. I think it was a king snake. I used a hoe to finish it off or so I thought. Still using the hoe, I picked it up and placed it in the garbage can. The last I saw of it, it was slithering on top of some of the garbage.

I told my son the next time he takes out the garbage to be careful.

Virus Alert

The pink stomach medicine had been my best friend since Thursday evening. It started mildly enough: chills, dizziness, and aches here and there. The oddest thing, Sunday evening, when I finally could look at food without grimacing, I wanted sliced beets with onions and cheddar cheese. It may not seem like a good idea to eat something like that after having thoughts of the best way to convert your bathroom into a sleeping area.

Mean Streak?

Is it too mean of me to keep reminding my son as he is getting ready to go to work that I have the day off?

Just about everything is closed today on the Mississippi Gulf Coast as 4 Mardi Gras parades will roll. Me, as soon as the sun defeats the fog, I'll be heading for the beach!!! Temps look to be in the 70s today.

New Addition

Presenting Buddha:



Wednesday, while taking a photo break at work, this dog followed me back to work. He stayed there. He probably was dumped. He is a bit thin but other than that, he is very healthy. I think he is about 9-10 months old and appears to be a Labrador/boxer mix. He is very laid back, hence the name Buddha.

I took the above photo on Wednesday. After a bath yesterday afternoon, he cleaned up well and his coat is glossy. He is a little afraid of my cats. He is settling in and this morning became very playful.

He wants to be friends with my son, so that is good. I'll try to post another picture on Sunday.

He looks a lot like my dog Dodger he died last year at this time. But the personalities are very different. Dodger was super-hyper. All in all, it is good to hear the sound of a tail whacking on tables, couches, chairs, etc.

New Traditions

Yesterday, I didn't go to the movies or go eat Chinese food. Instead, I spent the day reading. I stopped at Barnes & Noble and picked up a couple of books. Someone had grabbed the last copy of Stephen King's The Stand. I made do with two others: Christopher Tolkien's The Unfinished Tales and Heinlein's The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. As much as I enjoy reading science fiction, it perplexes me how I've never read the last.

I started the Tolkien book and it is just as fascinating as The Lord of the Rings series even though J.R.R. Tolkien's son finished some of the tales.

Yesterday was a very good day for reading. The sun did not make an appearance until late afternoon and it was too cold and windy to take photos. It was a good day to just sit back and relax inside. My son had to work. In short, a very peaceful day.

I had the option of going to my family's Christmas celebration but as last year, I didn't. I love my family and it is great to see everyone. I just knew I would feel uncomfortable in seemingly partaking in festivities I don't believe in. And there is always the explanations of why I can't eat this and that because of keeping kosher.

Next year? Who knows, maybe I'll get around to the Jewish tradition of going to the movies and eating Chinese on Christmas.

46

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As my son so eloquently reminded me, I'm that much closer to being a senior citizen.

Son

Last Friday, my son turned 21. He is now legally an adult. This past year he has made some decisions I'm unhappy with. But he is no longer a child and he will have to learn from them. The one I'm most unhappy with was his desicion not to continue with college. He has a new job and he says he is thinking about going back to college. Anyway, I've been remembering when he was younger. Every morning, when he started kindergarten, he wanted to hear the song The Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot. Coast 102 usually played the song in the morning and on those few occasions when it wasn't played, I'd call in and request it. This was a morning ritual for about two years.



Another radio station played it the other day. It's funny how songs can bring memories.