Why the Ark Couldn't Be Built Today

And why people in Mississippi are still in FEMA trailers almost three years after Hurricane Katrina:

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

"Build another ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah blue- prints for the ark, saying, "You have six months before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping but no sign of an ark. "Noah," he roared, "I am about to start the rain. Where's the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," Noah said, "but things have changed.

"I needed a building permit and I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. And my neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning code by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go before the Development Appeal Board for a decision. This took four weeks.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear a path for the ark's move to the sea. I told them the sea was coming to us, but they just laughed.

"Getting good wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the spotted owls, but they would not hear of it.

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal-rights group sued me. They claimed I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that it was cruel to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I could not build the ark until they conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I am still trying to resolve a complaint with the EEOC on how many minorities I'm required to hire for my building crew.

"The Department of Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status on the people who want to work on the ark. The trade unions say I can't use my sons to work on the ark and insist that I hire only union workers with ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all of my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, Lord, it would take me 10 years to build the ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," the Lord replied, "the government beat me to it."

WALLACE DABBS
Gautier